The days are getting longer, it’s been sunny here the last couple days, and trees are in bloom! Early Spring or global warming? I guess it depends on which way you’re looking at it…I don’t remember all of the crazy gorgeous blooming trees, that look like flower bombs have gone off on the side of the road last year, but I was occupied with a newborn.
I went to my new Saturday meeting yesterday on my lunch break even though I really wanted to micro manage H’s birthday instead. I’m keeping up with this new contrary action thing for now. I don’t feel like doing something, but I go do it anyways. I didn’t feel like going to yoga last week, but I did anyways. I feel like those actions have given me a little more of an edge. I’ve managed over the last week to say the third step prayer on my knees after awakening AND read some spiritual books before getting H up. Wow, just wow is all I can think. It feels like there is even more space to mentally relax. That negative voice in my head is quieter. I hope I can not only keep this up but do more in the future. One of the women in my Monday meeting pulled me aside some months ago and told me, you know you won’t be able to be a good mom or anything else unless you take care of yourself first don’t you? I nodded at her, but the truth was I wasn’t getting that at that time. I was just going, going, going. Her comment has stayed with me, thank god for the power of AA, and well timed advice. How did I forget that if I don’t put my sobriety/spirituality first, everything else suffers?
It’s been almost a year since H was born, which is a backwards way of saying that my son is almost one! I still can’t believe it and can believe it at the same time. Like I have felt this past year to the max. I have cried, I have been sleep deprived, I have been sick more times than I have over the past five years. I even developed some kind of crazy lip allergy right after he was born. I was diagnosed after itching at tiny red blisters all day and all night as having a toothpaste and dental floss allergy!
And I have cried with wonder, have had my heart leap in my chest at his birth, have discovered the joy of putting someone’s needs before my own, and have basically felt close to combustible when I think about how much I love my son. I twirl him around in a circle and he smiles. He also likes to be held upside down, his stuffed animals doing impressions, snapping (yes, he snaps at stuff he wants), music, baths, hummus, and patty cake. That stuff is just a glimpse. He already has a multifaceted little personality, he is already complicated in ways I don’t understand.
I dug up an email I wrote to my friends last year on 3/11/14:
Around 11am I began to get a feeling like he had to come out now. I called the nurses and told them this and I began to push. Twice they asked me if I wanted to feel H’s head and incredulously I reached down to feel his head beginning to come out! My pushes were off though and the nurse came up with a bar that I could push my legs again while pulling on towels wrapped around the bar. That really helped, my arms are still sore! I close my eyes while I pushed, always when a contraction came. They kept saying, “Good job, you’re almost there!” But he still wasn’t out. It felt like forever, but the pushing part only lasted for 40 minutes. It seemed like the mid-wife came in 5 minutes before he came out, they said, “Push! Breathe! Push! He’s coming out! He’s coming out!” And H came out, they laid him on my chest, and he was crying loudly. I started crying too and my Mom was right there with us both. It was definitely the best moment of my life. All of the morning sickness, gaining weight, lethargy, discomfort, and actual labor was worth it. I had my little baby boy! He was so cute (I’m sure it’s because I’m his Mom) and had ten fingers and ten toes. I was very surprised that someone so perfect came out of me!
TMI, on some fronts I know. It was good to read that email, good to remember it. I had forgotten the nurse’s name, Lea who stayed with me that night. She respected my wish to not have drugs and was very encouraging. I wrote in the email that I don’t remember if I said goodbye. I didn’t because it was during one of the brief times I managed to fall asleep. I sent her a card with a picture of H later. There are nurses, and then there are good nurses, and I’m glad she was with me that painful night.
I just couldn’t believe that he came out so beautiful, like an actual human baby. I felt and feel overwhelmingly grateful that I have had the chance to be his mother. It’s something I have always wanted whether I chose to identify with it or not in the past, and I really hope that as he grows and changes, that I can grow and change too.
The two times I took pictures happened to be in the evening before complete dark (above) and the early morning (below). The light looks almost the same.
I’m supposed to talk with my new boss/teacher about the yoga blogging this week. I’m anxious to get started, writing, editing, and hopefully have some posts that will be what they are looking for. I’m glad to have this blog where I can write about anything. I’ve been doing poses when I’m home with H, but am anxious as well to have a real solid practice back in the near future. My body feels better and stronger, and I want more of that feeling.
It will be a crazy week with his birthday, grandma, and friends flying in, but I am looking forward to having everyone over. I have planned as much as I think I can plan, I pick up the rest of the food this week along with his pancake cake (yes, a pancake cake!), and I have to make some maple syrup cupcakes. I can’t wait to see all of the decorations and food together, that part of the party planning is my favorite! I always feel a little deflated when an event is over.
He will only be one once. I hope I can ride out the wave of this new season smoothly and be ready for the next one.
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