PUSH PAUSE FOR A FREAK OUT

So mostly since I started this blog (all of three months ago) I’ve thought methodically about what to write. I’ve taken my time, I haven’t written anything, “on the fly.” I’ve wanted my writing and where I’m coming from to have perspective and solution.

Well, seems as though that changes today. I am going a bit nuts about today being my first day of yoga teacher training. At a mid-day meeting some years ago one of my friends looked tired. I asked her when she woke up. She responded, “My head woke me up.” My head woke me up today and has been super loud. We went to a luncheon at work and I almost introduced myself as an alcoholic (!). After people shared I almost said, “Thank you, so and so.” Thank goodness I did not though.

Geez. Scattered. Scared. In fear. What am I scared about? That this is the wrong decision for me, I think I should get a government job so I can get that loan forgiveness thing (security, fear and financial insecurity) for my looming student loans. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough (self-esteem and fear). I’m afraid of meeting new people (personal relationships, self-esteem, and fear). I’m afraid no one will like me (ditto to the last one). I don’t feel like I’m in good enough shape (self-esteem, fear). I belong in the industry I’m in already, why do I want to leave it (security, fear).

I do not feel good enough to do this. What in the hell was I thinking, of trying to be a yoga teacher? I am unworthy.

Wow. I do not know where this is all coming from. I do know that seeing it on the screen makes it feel a bit smaller. I kept thinking today, I’ve done so much work on all of this. Why am I still like this?

But I am, I’m am right in the ever loving thick of it. This tension, this U N C O M F O R T A B I L I T Y. It’s real. It’s now. My first class starts today at 5:30 and one thing that I know for sure is that I’m going to be there. I want to run. I want to jump in my car and drive until I run out of gas (I just got a full tank yesterday, it will last for a while!). But I won’t because my actions will show me the truth, that:

I’m good enough. I’m on the right path. I’m worthy. The universe knows what it’s doing.

Hey yoga here I come. I’m not sure about it, but I’m coming for you. If anyone reads this before 5:30pm, whisper a prayer for me.

Published by Liz Brower

I've practiced yoga since 2006, I stumbled into a class at my local gym. I didn't really "get" yoga, I wanted to do all of the poses to the max, I didn't focus on breathing, and I was very competitive. A year later I quit smoking and my mom purchased a three month unlimited to a local studio. I fell in love with yoga! Plus the metaphor was strong, my lungs began to repair, I could take really deep inhales without coughing! I later began to go to a free outdoor yoga classes in downtown Long Beach, CA that was also affiliated with a donation based studio. Yoga was fun, affordable, accessible, and outside! I loved it. I started practicing at home by myself. I started meditating. Right after I found the classes at the gym stopped drinking alchohol. My sobriety and yoga have intertwined ever since. They compliment each other amazingly and I am so grateful for them both. I stopped practicing yoga after getting pregnant and being caught up with the taking care of a newborn in 2013/2014. When he was 9 months old I realized that I really wanted to redirect myself back to yoga. I also had the seed planted in my mind while driving home from Christmas break, why don't you go do a yoga teacher training?! I started practicing yoga at a local studio and began scouring the internet for a teacher training program. I found Three Sisters Yoga, a lovely program, based out of NY & PDX. I was more than motivated to teach, I started teaching some free yoga in the summer of 2015 at a local park. I continued after that with an internship at the same studio I had signed back up with at the beginning of the year. I quit my day job. I hit the pavement, scouring for yoga gigs that would hire a newbie. I found a job and began to teach! Now I am navigating the great balance of being a single mom, a yoga teacher, and doing my best to trust my higher power with my future. I love to teach and practice vinyasa, but also know what it's like to be drawn to slower types of yoga due to injury or body type. I feel a special affinity for yoga new comers and like to teach practice at all different levels. Thank you for taking time to read a little more about me and I wish all of you the best in your own individual yoga practice. ~Namaste! View more posts

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