So mostly since I started this blog (all of three months ago) I’ve thought methodically about what to write. I’ve taken my time, I haven’t written anything, “on the fly.” I’ve wanted my writing and where I’m coming from to have perspective and solution.
Well, seems as though that changes today. I am going a bit nuts about today being my first day of yoga teacher training. At a mid-day meeting some years ago one of my friends looked tired. I asked her when she woke up. She responded, “My head woke me up.” My head woke me up today and has been super loud. We went to a luncheon at work and I almost introduced myself as an alcoholic (!). After people shared I almost said, “Thank you, so and so.” Thank goodness I did not though.
Geez. Scattered. Scared. In fear. What am I scared about? That this is the wrong decision for me, I think I should get a government job so I can get that loan forgiveness thing (security, fear and financial insecurity) for my looming student loans. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough (self-esteem and fear). I’m afraid of meeting new people (personal relationships, self-esteem, and fear). I’m afraid no one will like me (ditto to the last one). I don’t feel like I’m in good enough shape (self-esteem, fear). I belong in the industry I’m in already, why do I want to leave it (security, fear).
I do not feel good enough to do this. What in the hell was I thinking, of trying to be a yoga teacher? I am unworthy.
Wow. I do not know where this is all coming from. I do know that seeing it on the screen makes it feel a bit smaller. I kept thinking today, I’ve done so much work on all of this. Why am I still like this?
But I am, I’m am right in the ever loving thick of it. This tension, this U N C O M F O R T A B I L I T Y. It’s real. It’s now. My first class starts today at 5:30 and one thing that I know for sure is that I’m going to be there. I want to run. I want to jump in my car and drive until I run out of gas (I just got a full tank yesterday, it will last for a while!). But I won’t because my actions will show me the truth, that:
I’m good enough. I’m on the right path. I’m worthy. The universe knows what it’s doing.
Hey yoga here I come. I’m not sure about it, but I’m coming for you. If anyone reads this before 5:30pm, whisper a prayer for me.