I feel like so much has happened in the past two weeks, it’s difficult to pick what to write about! I’ll start with a journal entry I wrote after meditating in training:
I am grateful. I am grateful for life. I am grateful for new friends. I am grateful for yoga. I am grateful for my son. I am grateful for my parents. I am grateful for new opportunities. I am grateful that I might learn how to surf. I imagine myself, clumsy and paddling in the ocean becoming one with the rise of the wave. Doing it again and again until my body memorizes it. Waking up at 5am, eating burritos afterward, teaching my son later. It may not happen. It’s a dream, but I’m thinking it. I’m putting it out there into the universe.
The thing is about surfing, one of our classmates is a surfer. She kept talking about it and we all (or possibly just me) became mesmerized by her love for it. Somehow it ended up that we made a surf date, today actually! I lived in Southern California for about 15 years and only surfed once! It’s raining today! How in the world is my life like this? Learning how to surf in Oregon in the rain?
It’s not about the outcome, although a good outcome would be preferable. It’s about the fact that I am walking into new things. That’s the victory for me. I’m 38 and I’m trying to learn how to surf today. How cool is that? Let’s just forget the fact that I had a warm, giant bath full of kiddie waves I could have practiced in back in CA. I am trying to do it N O W. We’re going to do some yoga on the beach first, we will truly look like drowned rats but who cares? I’ve got the baby weight on still, I’m wearing a sports bra for a top since the rest of my swim suit tops don’t fit, but who will know the difference? I am bummed that I won’t be able to take very many pictures, or none at all because of all of the water. Some things just cannot be physically documented. Some things will only be held in my memory. That is okay and kinda cool as well.
Last week and weekend were emotional. Work was especially challenging for me. I’m ready to step into something new. It seems like it’s getting better, and then it takes a sharp nose dive all over again. Over it. Thank god for sponsors, I talked it all out with her again last night. For now I will stay and just apply for other stuff. I look at yoga as something I will try to teach for free for a good while to gain experience and to give back. It’s not a viable job that can support us, unless the universe decides different, which, duh of course I’m totally open to! From what I’ve heard, it’s not at all rational to expect for a while.
The critiques I get from my demo yoga teaching are: SPEAK UP, and be more C O N F I D E N T. Ouch. Man I love yoga so much and I want to give that to people I teach. My words get all tangled up. I over apologize. I get hung up on my failings. I’ve been trying a lot of mirroring (doing left but saying right), and I’ve been overly obsessing about it. I told my mom about my critiques (she is a teacher) and she said, Oh don’t worry about it! All teachers are really bad their first year, which made me feel better. I guess my lack of confidence is such a trait of mine (it runs deep) and a character defect. How can I just, POOF, be confident? Fake it till you make it, my teacher said. This seems like the only thing I can do.
And like my good friend, T back in Long Beach would say, just show up. This, I can do. I may not be a yoga teacher (gasp!). But I will walk the path and see what (the universe!) lies in store for me. It will be a while till I get my certification since my teacher has to sort through all of the course work. I’ve been emailing parks and rec to see if I can offer free yoga outdoors before the farmers market here. There is a giant swath of green next door to the market. I’m putting it out there…
I had a birthday, I turned 38. The older I get the more comfortable with life I get so I don’t get bummed out about getting older. H is doing well, we think he’s still teething, but only waking up once per night (WOOHOO!!!).
Pics, mostly from a walk to the park from two weekends ago, from Three Sisters Yoga:
Peace, namaste, and hang ten y’all.