My aunt is visiting. She’s pinch hitting for my mom and step-dad who take on the responsibility of watching H when I’m at work, meetings, yoga, or various other things. My son absolutely loves her even though he’s only been around her at 6 and 10 months old, and only for a couple days. Like he instantly went up to her when she arrived a couple of days ago and is all smiles when he sees her in the morning. I so rely and appreciate my parents for taking on such a big bulk of child care and I’m so grateful that my aunt drove 8 plus hours to help me out this week so I could work.
Speaking of work, I was telling my aunt and my uncle about drama at work. She listened and then said, Oh, I know. When students used to come to me from the playground with some drama I would tell them, where is the solution in this situation? It was hilarious and it instantly switched my focus. I instantly went into positivity about work. I came with a different outlook the next day. That’s the thing about my mom and aunt. They don’t let life get them down and they never have. My aunt’s family and mine lived closely during my childhood. Her kids were my sisters and brother. Even though both my aunt and mom have both experienced some extreme hardships over the years, highs, and lows, they are unwavering in their sunny outlook on life. I used to take on the full DNA of my father, I used to think I was his carbon copy. If you knew him it would depress you and for years it sure depressed me. Since I’ve gotten sober seven years ago, I’ve come to realize that I am not all him. I am much of my mom and aunt. That sunniness, that tenacity resides in me. This fact makes me absolutely giddy. I don’t have to be ruled by DNA. I can C H O O S E to be different each new day. That’s how my mom and aunt do it. That’s how I do it too.
It’s been an equal measure of good and hard lately. Good: vacations, family time, ocean, loved ones, camp fires, sand in toes, endless smiles on H’s face. Hard: H is a challenge to watch. He’s at that roaming toddler stage. And I haven’t been getting to any meetings. Lastly, my new laptop is glitching up!
I so love summer and getting away to different ocean towns. It is just hard to watch H in all of the different situations that vacation presents. The world is his oyster right now, he’s in full toddler mode, literally running away from me in large open (prospectively dangerous) situations. It is a non-existent miracle if I sit an eat quietly. It is all about constantly watching him and making sure he doesn’t get into mischief. I’ve been ignoring it, thinking if I admit this that I’m a bad mother. I was talking last night to my aunt about the word, support, and how it’s almost a dirty word in some circles. Like you have to always be okay. This is the thing in our culture that I’m not a fan of. It’s one thing to overly dwell on the negative, but it’s another to get support. I’m not saying this blindly, I recently had an experience with an institution that just bluntly told me that they did not like the word support and did not want it in black and white.
Meetings have been tough to get to because of my parent’s absence. I feel more comfortable putting H to bed and that is when all of my meetings are. I don’t feel dry, emotional, or in any way unstable. I just know from experience and other people’s experience that no meetings is not a good thing ever, period. As corny as it sounds, meeting makers make it. They really do, I am convinced of it. My parents get back next Tuesday, and I’m looking forward to getting back to normal. My sponsor said she would visit me next week too, before they come back. Once again she is the anchor in tough times.
I met someone at an office store that will look at my computer tomorrow. This solution was all higher power, I really struggled with a ton of resentment about my laptop not working! I felt very powerless over it. It’s the little things that snare me. I really had to pray about it. I’ve come to rely on this blog so much, it was really attacking the security I felt about it! Crazy what you realize when you do a quick 4th & 5th. I got the laptop so I could stop borrowing my mom’s all of the time.
Free yoga today, I’ve found a really cool friend who started coming to Mama Bear, she told me about all of these Wilsonville FB sites that I am now a part of. I can post on those and get the word out. It’s been very cool. I hope to get the word out more and more. I was telling my aunt that I just want everyone in Wilsonville to know it’s there, that it can be a fixture.
My intention of meditation/yoga/reading at night surged for 5 days and then has now been petering out since my aunt came (excuses…). I really noticed a big change mentally, spiritually, and physically. I was doing three sets of Surya Namaskar B before bed, and really getting a lot out of it. I’ve been wanting to commit Sun B to memory more, and there’s no better way than just doing it! Plus only three of them go really fast. When she leaves I will re-commit! Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha was an intense mantra to pick. My last mantra was way shorter and easier to get through. It is a practice, and I don’t expect to be all perfect at this over night. I really do actually and have to dial myself back daily! I am right where I am supposed to be.
Pictures of the 4th (I am overwhelmingly grateful to be alive and well in the US of A), and my niece’s bday party a couple weeks back. I will go back to Canada next post, I did not forget! I have a million other cool pictures to share of Sooke (Sooooook!).
Hmm, where shall I go?
I hope everyone is having a good summer so far. I always feel nostalgic for autumn and winter right about now, and I do the reverse during those seasons. Summer: flip-flop tan lines, the smell of sunscreen, blue skies, not having to worry about rain, and eating dinner outside.
Peace & love to you all & back to Canada next week.