The following quotes from the movie, JOY are generously paraphrased as I looked all over the internets and couldn’t find them and didn’t want to take up too much valuable time during H’s nap:
“Time rolls backward, stops, and then starts again.”
“When you hide from other people, you hide from yourself too.”
I obviously super-digged this movie, go out and see it, especially if you think life is hard (!), and you are always trying with all of your might to get yourself and your family into a better place.
Time as a theme is appropriate too as another friend from Long Beach, CA came to visit me and we got caught up on the time we had spent away from each other. I visited LB when H was about 6 months old but she was getting married and we had absolutely no time to talk. It’s a strange thing to wonder and miss someone and then get to see them and hear what they were going through a year and a half later.
Rolling back. Pausing. Starting again.
Like all of my friends from CA, she is super easy to be with. They all shine, those friends, such a stark difference from the friends I had before when I was drinking. It used to amaze me in Long Beach that all of my friends were always trying to be better in a deep intrinsic spiritual sense. Working the steps. Finding sponsees. Giving back. Venturing outside the bounds of AA into churches or yoga teacher trainings, even to Africa. Giving back to the earth, humans, and animals. Thinking about others more than themselves. It refreshed me to be around this woman this past weekend, it grounded me and reminded me of where I want to go. It’s not that I haven’t found people like that here, it’s just that I logged years and years with those other friends, I grew and watered the roots of those deep relationships.
It’s always startling and joyful to have someone from there here. She came with me to my meetings and it was hard to not turn and pinch her arm to make sure she wasn’t a mirage. I had been hearing a nudge in my spirit to ask her to pray for me about a subject I still struggle with a lot. I tried to ignore it because I just didn’t feel like going there. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to feel what I would feel if I asked her. The nudge was strong though, and I did ask her as she dropped me off, her flight taking off the next morning. She grabbed my hand and prayed for me. I started crying, whatever I had been holding onto I was able to let go of. I still feel fearful and on edge about the subject but I feel a peace about it too.
When you hide from other people you hide from yourself.
Ack! Uncover, discover, discard. Like a 4th & 5th step, it brings up a lot of muck, but when it gets washed away you feel brand new.
Yoga is going really well. I was day dreaming last week and I missed my exit to class. 10 minutes later I was finally able to exit and get back on the freeway. I was 10 minutes late to class! Well this is a new and very unpleasant experience, was one of the many negative thoughts I had. I am a serial dreamer but I also am very type A too. I don’t like being late! Especially when all of these students were waiting on me! I asked my mom if I could hand H off to her a little earlier in the morning just in case something happens like this again. I take teaching yoga very seriously, our teacher told us to respect other people’s time, and I really do.
Time. Valuable & unmeasurable time.
It taught me some humility too. I’m not perfect. I held onto it and then I let it go.
H nears two years old!!! I started planning his party which won’t be as colorful and detailed as last years, but still cute and fun (of course). There are so many things about him right N O W that I hope I remember forever. How he climbs up everything and tries to climb walls. How he uses all of his signs. How he only speaks words for things he loves, mama, papa, nana, wall, blue, choo-choo, wawa, num-nums, pops (popcorn), and cheese. How he feels when I’m holding him right after he’s fallen asleep. How he wants to figure stuff out, why something fits, why something doesn’t. How he jumps up and down and says, mama! when I get home. How he picks up sticks and walks around with them proudly when we go outside. How he is beginning to negotiate right and wrong. How he asks for choo-choo’s and num-num’s when he wakes up from his nap. So much. What a gift he is even when he’s throwing tantrums.
It snowed last week, it does so here very rarely. We enjoyed it:
It began to freeze. Then melt.
We stayed inside where it was warm.
My friend and I went to The Grotto in Portland and had long conversations about religion & spirituality.
Treasured tiny pockets of T I M E:
Time is like an almost two toddler, rushing along. We hold the past and present inside and we still walk forward.
Thinking with gratitude on all of my past woes and struggles, hoping I can help someone who feels today the way I once felt.
Sending peace & love to all I know and all I don’t.