I went to a baby shower last weekend that was nestled under the hill next to the hospital where I gave birth.  I even missed the turn in and got to drive by the building, the gray end of day light bouncing gold off the windows, & I wondered, which room was mine?  H & I made it through an hour and a half of the shower, his quick snatching (whew boy, toddlers are QUICK) of ‘items not to be messed with,’ and general screeching & yelling let me know it was time to head home.  I luckily got to sit next to the mama to be during dinner and felt my heart melt as I looked down at her belly & spoke to her about what is to be.  H sat on my lap immersed in a cupcake decorated with acorns & foxes.  I dipped a napkin in water & wiped away chocolaty icing without half even knowing that I was doing it.

This time two years ago I was waking up four to five times a night, staying up late, and sleeping in.  I was traveling to Portland to visit yoga studios, breast feeding classes, & vegan bakeries.  I was bored.  I cleaned & cooked dinner.  H kicked while we watched the Olympics & I crocheted a baby blanket.  I remember going into his room and just sitting there for long moments.  It was so peaceful in there & I just wondered & wondered.  What is he going to be like?  What is it going to be like?

The indescribable moment between, holy damnation when am I going to push the pushes of all pushes & push this bb out, to having the dr. hand you over a tiny, wrinkly, lovable, little alien looking baby & all the sudden that baby that was JUST in your tummy is now breast feeding?!?

And from that moment on wondering, where is my baby?  Is he alright?  And if you can reaching out to touch him so that you know he’s okay & right next to you.

Always reaching out to make sure he’s okay and that he’s right next to you.

How did he grow from such a small baby into such a big toddler?  How is it that he is almost already TWO?!


Still so close even when far away.

He’s going on a couple trips with my parents in the next couple months.  I’ve felt anxiety.  On a plane & states away from me.  Last night I remembered seeing a bag of grapes in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.  I almost went downstairs to get them out and put them higher (did it this morning instead).  I left a blanket on his noise machine to cover the light.  I couldn’t sleep, thinking, what if it falls on his face?  So silly, I crept back in to take it off.

There will be times when I won’t be there.  This fact is something I mostly refuse to comprehend.  I try to find peace in the knowledge that I am there most of the time & I try to trust that great mysterious higher power that he will be okay.


That he is always watched over.








I’ll be weaning H after his birthday.  Breast feeding has been a cake walk (as far as him taking to it), I remember walking around with him in the hospital, attached to my breast.  The nurse said, is this your second one?  I said no, first.  She said, wow.  It must have been the easy way I held him while he nursed, I don’t know.  He never took to a pacifier, he has just always been very content with the boob.

And now it’s time to get him off of it.  I feed him mostly at night.  My parents don’t want him to be shocked when they take him on vacation.  I’ve had issues with breast feeding, I have been way over it, I had the rashes that burned and itched.  It hurt like hell when I first started.

But I don’t want to let it go.

It’s another remnant of his babyhood.  It soothes him.  But it’s time.  I thought I would be overjoyed to stop.  I guess I’m surprised that I’m not.  He’s gotten to the age where he understands stuff.  I’ve been gently telling him the boob is going bye bye.  He understands & he’s not happy about it.

But it will ultimately be okay I know.

Pictures of the BIG TWO to follow.

Wishing you all smooth & gentle transitions.  Sending out peace & love to those in between, awkward places.


Published by Liz Brower

I've practiced yoga since 2006, I stumbled into a class at my local gym. I didn't really "get" yoga, I wanted to do all of the poses to the max, I didn't focus on breathing, and I was very competitive. A year later I quit smoking and my mom purchased a three month unlimited to a local studio. I fell in love with yoga! Plus the metaphor was strong, my lungs began to repair, I could take really deep inhales without coughing! I later began to go to a free outdoor yoga classes in downtown Long Beach, CA that was also affiliated with a donation based studio. Yoga was fun, affordable, accessible, and outside! I loved it. I started practicing at home by myself. I started meditating. Right after I found the classes at the gym stopped drinking alchohol. My sobriety and yoga have intertwined ever since. They compliment each other amazingly and I am so grateful for them both. I stopped practicing yoga after getting pregnant and being caught up with the taking care of a newborn in 2013/2014. When he was 9 months old I realized that I really wanted to redirect myself back to yoga. I also had the seed planted in my mind while driving home from Christmas break, why don't you go do a yoga teacher training?! I started practicing yoga at a local studio and began scouring the internet for a teacher training program. I found Three Sisters Yoga, a lovely program, based out of NY & PDX. I was more than motivated to teach, I started teaching some free yoga in the summer of 2015 at a local park. I continued after that with an internship at the same studio I had signed back up with at the beginning of the year. I quit my day job. I hit the pavement, scouring for yoga gigs that would hire a newbie. I found a job and began to teach! Now I am navigating the great balance of being a single mom, a yoga teacher, and doing my best to trust my higher power with my future. I love to teach and practice vinyasa, but also know what it's like to be drawn to slower types of yoga due to injury or body type. I feel a special affinity for yoga new comers and like to teach practice at all different levels. Thank you for taking time to read a little more about me and I wish all of you the best in your own individual yoga practice. ~Namaste!

2 thoughts on “TWO

  1. Hug. Children are beautiful and always changing.
    I remember weaning my first. He was around 18 months old and I was pregnant again. I was tired. And one night, we just stopped, no drama.

    Perhaps I was holding on to it.

    That boy is almost 13 now. He is taller than me. It’s hard to imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

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