BALANCE

When you bring a child into the world outside of the safety of the womb it seems like it’s a constant task, to keep that child safe.  To keep that child protected.  And you deeply love that child so it goes beyond basic survival.  You naturally find yourself looking for ways to make the child happy.  To make the child feel loved and secure.  You sometimes go overboard, like in the pictures below.  You buy too much, you give in one too many times when asked for a cookie, you let him watch Curious George for just one more episode.  You say yes.

And you also are the one to turn the t.v. off, to go days and days without any sugar, to pause and explain why it’s important not to kick, to hit, to always take.

You hold sticks on walks, you carry him on busy streets, you let him play outside for a long time, and you tell him it’s time to go home even though he doesn’t always want to.  It’s this balance, motherhood.  Not always easy, but at times the balance works out and is felt and cherished.

H’s party went well, a nice group came, not too many, and not too few (again, balanced haha).  My mom even commented that it was way more laid back than last year which I took as a compliment and a critique at the same time.  I tried to buy less stuff and make more stuff like the score board made out of card board.  There was also a game with basketball hoops tied to sweat bands which no one really fully played, but the toddlers had fun messing around with all of the pieces.  It felt good not to stress out too much over small details.  My prayer was to let more stuff go and to be a good host.  I did, of course micro manage most of the decorations though:

My mom got some last minute items like some orange balloons, flowers, & ect.  That really helped out.  H’s other grandma got all the food & drink from Costco which was really nice to not have to worry about.  My step-dad being awesome like always doing all those little & big tasks to help out.  It was such a good party & H had a really good time.  He got to eat (not all of) a basketball cookie & a cupcake so he was happy.  He is obsessed with balls, mostly basketballs too, hence the theme so he was super stoked to see so many basketballs around for the last couple weeks.

The whole OCD thing I do with events (among other things) has really made me thing a lot about step 4,5, & 6.  Those defects of character which if you peel behind the initial offensive layer find this wealth of assets.  I’m super detailed but I can’t let stuff go.  Asset & defect.  It’s been a joy to walk the journey of the steps and to have years of practice behind me.  Practicing how to use my defects as strengths and how to give the more crazy & destructive side of the defect up to my HP.  It hasn’t always been a joy to teeter between, to negotiate what in the hell is exactly going on inside.  Sometimes those pure as gold assets feel like weights tied around your ankles.  I think such magic occurs if people are able to stay sober & in AA.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slooooooowwwwwwly, right?

On day three no nursing!  Woo-hoo!  Will it really all fade into memory soon?  The years of nursing?  Just like H’s babyhood & toddler hood?!  So hard to comprehend so I’ll try to just live in today.

Yoga is going really well.  I’ve been praying/thinking about the next step, whether or not to look for another gig.  A student told me last night, I can really tell you love what you do.  It was good to hear.  I also hold onto not getting too attached to the results.  I really try to prepare well beforehand, go do a good job, & then let go of the outcome.  Not easy but I try.  I’m very excited about the free yoga in Wilsonville this Summer as well.  Another reason to look forward to Summer, which is not my favorite season.

Hoping all of you out there find your own special balance, as unique I would guess as your fingerprints.

Namaste~