GETTING HIT

“Life keeps throwing me curve balls and I don’t even own a bat. At least my dodging skills are improving.”

~Jayleigh Cape

I want to start this post out with saying (as it has already been said) that I definitely have problems in areas I never dreamed of before, my life is an absolute gift, & I experience being happy, joyous, & free on a regular basis.  This was NOT my experience 9 years ago.  My life was the exact opposite, I cringed thinking of the moment that I would wake each day, that feeling of absolute rock bottomness I experienced on a daily basis from the time I woke until I got that alcohol down my throat, & then oblivion to only have it start all over again.

I am so very, very grateful.  I know I still have areas to improve in my character, in my career, as a mother, daughter, friend, & sister.  But I also feel very much ENOUGH without having to put anything in my body to have that feeling.

Having that all said, I will say now that the past month has been very challenging, mid-September until now.  We moved, & various situations snowballed into an avalanche of bad feelings & stress.  Everything that was supposed to be in a certain place was lost.  It took a couple weeks to find stuff.  I’m talking about human wits here too, not just possessions.  I went to meetings & spoke about it.  I asked friends to watch H so I could go to meetings.  I even tried a meeting with child care.  I started reading pages 60-63 & 86-88 each morning just like I did when I first got sober.  Things slowly began to get better.  I felt a new normal.

THEN, I decided it was time to potty train H.  Oh, holy hell is all I can say!  Also: it’s really hard!  I beefed up my meetings the week prior because I was going to do this & my parents were going to be out of town.  This was good as less distraction for the potty training, but bad as less human interaction for the mama.

Lots ‘o’ tears friends.  Lots ‘o’ tears.

We are ‘getting it’ slowly.  The thing I hate more than almost anything (have to throw an almost in there just in case!) is seeing my son feel anxious & sad.  ACK, it kills me!  He just wants his freakin diaper back so things can go back to normal.  It’s really hard to see him so confused.  But like I said, each day we are getting better at this.

And he is so resilient.  He & I will be okay.  There will one day be a new normal where we both potty in porcelain thrones without tears or regrets.  I realized too throughout this process that one of my biggest fears is to do something that will directly hurt my son.  So when he cries if I ask him to tell me if he has to go potty, my fear intensifies his seeming discomfort.  I can’t take all the bad out of life for him.  I can’t take discomfort away from him.  Sometimes we need discomfort (pee in underwear, yucky!) to CHANGE.

I’d again appreciate any prayers/good vibes.  This too shall pass, I know.

~Namaste