Oregon is filthy with pumpkin patches. They’re everywhere & all the ones that I’ve ever been to will let you roam around for free on the weekdays which is like gold for a mama looking for get-the-heck-outta-the-house activities, especially after potty training. Run, child. Run amongst the pumpkins.
It’s been raining buckets. The days have been gray & short. This is usually my favorite time of year, it’s the precursor to even colder weather (yes!) & Thanksgiving & Christmas (yes & yes!). I used to feel so bad for people who shared in meetings about apprehension & sadness as this time of year rolled around.
I perhaps have more to relate to them this go around, October was a mother trucker. I glared at the trees exploding gold & the gusty bales of rain crashing against windows. Most the time I didn’t see Fall, I had tunnel vision. I couldn’t see the good or the light.
I have a huge deal with imperfection. It takes me a long time to swallow that pill. I heard on an AA podcast that there are two sides to a scale that will eff with your spirituality: Perfectionism & high expectations being on one side (with people, places, & things) & IMPERFECTION & realistic expectations. This lesson I learn over & over. Not sure I’ll ever ‘graduate.’
Today the sun came out & shined the hell out of Oregon. People were commenting on it at yoga class & on FB.
Today I’m okay that my son was going in one direction & me in the exact other. As he throws food on the floor I started to grumble, as I stoop to pick it up he kicks me in the head. I make a face & the grumbling turns into laughter.
This is the deal girl, my head says calmly. It’s gonna be okay.
I meet with my sponsor tonight & I’m looking forward to talking stuff out with her. My biggest fear right now? That I won’t be a good mother. If I was a stranger on the outside looking in I would wonder if I was crazy. Look at all that love you have for that toddler there, I would tell myself.
But it’s a fear no less. & it weighs on me heavy.
Today felt really good. My expectations of myself & my toddler are back to being right sized.
I will take things day by day, it doesn’t just apply to drinking. I will be easier on myself.
Yoga is going really well, I taught a ‘glowga’ class last night. All the regulars showed up & we had so much fun painting glow paint on & selecting glow bracelets. If I do it again I will make it darker with more black lights….Ech, sounds like perfectionism again, eh? It was imperfectly perfect last night. That’s what I meant to say. 😉
I’m taking some extra time off as the center where I teach is closed for most of November. I’ll teach, but my classes are down to half. I’ve received a couple leads for gigs, but I don’t feel the pressure I felt before. I feel more of a peace when I teach too, like it’s up to the individual yoga student to grow in their practice, not just up to me. Very freeing. I’m happy where I am yoga-wise & it feels good to be there.
These are the patches we’ve visited so far & above in the pictures:
Wishing you all a CONTENTED Fall season leading into Winter. Sending out much love.
3 thoughts on “WALKING BACK INTO THE LIGHT”
I’ve been struggling too, as I’m sure you’ve read. I fear perfectionism will always be the dead elephant on my back, so I totally get you there.
I am SO THANKFUL for today’s sunlight. I really needed it.
Hugs to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are a wonderful mom! You are aware of your fear and walk through it — think of all the moms who don’t get to do that! I drank my way through my fear, perfectionism, and all the defects that go with parenting. You are aware and you have the solution. I love you!