Someone may see a glossy picture of me on social media & think that whatever day I had, it was a good one. That I’m doing just fine. I have a solid higher power, a supportive family, my son, a supportive AA family, & duh, yoga. All this stuff is very true (& more) & I’m so grateful for it.
Spend some time with me & pry deeper, you may see more. Sadness, vulnerability, anger. Control. Lack of control. My side of the street. Resentments. Not letting go. Not letting go of the bondage of self. My friend from CA texted me last week:
Congrats on your 8 years smober! 🚭🚭😤 Can you believe we actually sucked on those nasty things? 😝
It struck me that, hell no I can’t believe it! If you still smoke, no judgement, it takes what it takes & I’ve been there, relishing the feeling of sucking that nicotine into my lungs. Some days I miss it still.
What I remember eight years ago, is picking a date to give smoking up, fully not believing that I could. I was 2 years sober when I decided to quit, I was down to a pack a day, when I drank I smoked 2 packs a day. Just dumping poison into my body. Sometimes I think continuous sobriety is just dumping less & less poison into yourself as time goes by, whether it’s physical or emotional.
My quit date came. I remember very clearly driving to work, a time period where I usually sucked down 2 cigarettes. I felt nervous & uneasy. I had my patch on & chewed my nicotine gum. I later learned that I was putting too much nicotine into my system so I dropped the patches & just stuck with the gum for a while.
I was used to taking a smoke break on the hour, cheating the system of the 2 ten minute breaks per 8 hour shift rule. My feet would hop towards the door & I would think, oh yeah I’m not smoking! This tic happened every half hour. What do people do on their breaks if they don’t smoke!?
Being at home was the worst. They say in the rooms, “sit on your hands,” & it was the first time that I actually sat in my hands in my apartment. It was excruciating to not grab my keys, run to my car to drive & buy a pack. It was excruciating not to act on this urge to smoke.
At meetings too. Was it ok to just hang out inside during the 10 minute break…&…talk to people? I don’t know, eat cookies? Uncomfortable as hell, but yes, yes it was. New habits formed & old habits dead. That last sentence sounds great, but it was SO HARD. I won’t ever forget.
These past couple weeks have been difficult. I’m back to sitting on my hands. I pulled out of my garage & knocked my side mirror off. I failed to show up for a friend when they really needed me. I’m not all the way “here.” I’m hurting. I’m slowly coming out of it.
I’m doing the best I can.
It’s okay to be honest about it & it’s okay to feel this way.
A really rad definition of vulnerable I came across according to urban dictionary:
Someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind, and soul. Being vulnerable happens when you trust completely. Rather its vulnerability by pain or joy, it’s being exposed with all of the emotions that make it easy for someone (someone you trust) to really do some emotional damage or healing.. Vulnerability is the surrender of all control and personal power in regards to letting someone close enough to destroy you!
Lol, a little dramatic, but you get it. It sums up much of what I feel here & now. I cling to those constants in life, the non material things I’m grateful for in the above first paragraph. I’m learning about myself. I’m being healed. I let go one day & not the next, but I believe my higher power will fill up all my imperfections.
Hoping all of you out there are doing better than me, er, I mean learning valuable life lessons & getting all mature, eh?
Peace, love, & always:
~Namaste
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