Wow, so the last time I wrote a post was last December, which in the blog world isn’t probably too unusual. Life, right? Things shift, life gets busy, small endeavors get crowded out. As much as I don’t want to admit, I’m human, I can only do so much.
Last June. Smiling on the outside & inside?
It’s strange to think about my state of mind last November. It wasn’t good. AA, my sponsor, my HP, yoga, my son, my family all of those things grounding me, pulling me into spiritual health like iron anchors, tethering me to sanity. BUT also dying, shedding skin in such a hot mess kind of way, bloody, sweaty, and as they say in AA, “with my ass falling off.” Fully. I had a long standing metaphorical spiritual wound and it was infected and not pleasant.
I had a new sponsor, I was crying my eyes out in coffee shops every day (looking super adult and dignified 🙄) working the steps in CoDA, Co-Dependents Anonymous a program designed for people who feel controlled and powerless over people. I was also working the AA steps. I was doing this crazy thing on Instagram every day, jumping from downward facing dog like a madwoman trying to land softly into crow pose (google it. Also follow me and check out the documented craziness @shelteryoga). To sum up my recovery at the time I would have to say that I HAD to work, I HAD to progress, I HAD to use all the resources in front of me because I HAD TO CHANGE. I didn’t like myself and as you know because you’re a human too, I couldn’t escape myself.
I just couldn’t be that person I was anymore. I couldn’t react the same. I couldn’t stand to see the world the same. I. Just. Couldn’t. Handle. It. While I believe any recovery program out there has the potency for change I have to say my drug, er, I mean my program of choice would have to be of the 12th step variety. Working the steps in CoDA and meeting with a CoDA sponsor every week scraped that old skin off. Painfully, yeah but it happened. Working with a new sponsor in AA helped a ton too. Having my sponsors support was everything.
Having this guy around helps too 🥰
I had lost touch with my Higher Power again. I had the opportunity to go back to the bare bones spiritual construction site and build a new one. It was painful and very difficult. There was a stifling emptiness. Nothing left to grasp onto. Perhaps the newcomers out there understand.
But I am here now. My life is not perfect. I reach different CoDA bottoms. I get back up and try to do things different. I meet once a week with a CoDA group and can’t describe how calm and happy I feel there. I try to ask myself daily how I feel and answer myself honestly. I also ask how I’m parenting myself. When people make me feel like my life is unmanageable I do my best to surrender. I try to drink lost of water, exercise, eat food. Most of the time the actions of other people don’t make me spin out today. I attend my meetings.
And then I can give. To my son, to the world, to yoga students. In yoga news, yoga work has been the best it’s been. I taught a series of workshops for the first time, have more classes than I ever have had, and have even rented space for the the first time.
It feels good to write here in this space again. Manifesting a deep healing for all of you out there that need it.