HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE

Since I had four days off last week, I decided to take a mini-road trip with my son.  I set my sights upon Lincoln City.  Most of the Oregon Coast is brand new territory for me, having just recently moved from C A L I F O R N I A.  We set out to just make a day of it, but left too late, and by the time we arrived it was already getting dark.  My son is great in the car so far, he just sleeps and sleeps.  We parked at a parking lot with beach access and took a walk.

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Mama rock & baby rock?

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It was nice to see the ocean.  It was always there in CA, I lived in San Pedro right on the edge of the ports, I could see the ocean from my bathroom window in my shower if I craned my body the right way.  I worked off the bay (the L.A. river feeding into the Pacific) and I was constantly shooting up and down Ocean Blvd. in Long Beach which paralleled the ocean.  I practiced yoga on the bluff at sunset, and watched the sun dip into the ocean many nights a week.

Not wanting to drive home, I pulled out my phone and booked a room at Sailor Jacks.  I think we were supposed to stay there.  I had been undecided back at home, had pulled up some places and that was one of them.  Then, when we were driving around trying to find beach access, we ended up there at the end of a dead end street.  The place has lots of character, the check-in dude was very kind (he saw my son drop his toy under my car when we were coming in and ran outside to retrieve it), the price was amazing ($60-70 during this slow season), and T H E  V I E W!  I felt like we were I N the ocean.

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H had a hard time sleeping as he typically does when we travel.  I don’t even bother with a crib, he knows I’m there and he will be only happy in the bed with me.  He was basically attached to me the whole night.  Mama’s out there will know what I mean!  He woke at 7AM and was in his happy-go-lucky babbling/yelling stage.  I heard coughing through the wall so we hightailed it out of there so that our coughy neighbor could hopefully get some more sleep.  Up with the moon!  Man the early rising is so hard sometimes, but then I would never get to see so many beautiful beginnings.

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A Tsunami waved over the area in 1700.  It made me think a lot about how finite we are, we build up so much whether it be physical castles or castles in the air, and then smush!  It all gets knocked down.  Where do we go after this lifetime?  I think on it on a whole other level as a Mama.

We said bye to Lincoln City and tripped up the 101 to Tillamook.  H slept.  I wish I could have taken pictures because it was a beautiful drive.  There were giant misty fields with various livestock being statuesque, framed by blue mountains.  If I had $1 for every time I saw a barn…  And trees, trees, and more trees.  I’m still not used to all of the trees.  We did stop at one pull out so I could go to the bathroom.  The roads were empty, due to it being a Tuesday maybe.  I didn’t see hardly any cars at all.

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In Tillamook we visited the Pioneer Museum.  I just kind of wanted a place to walk around while H was awake, otherwise he would be a crankster.  Tillamook is very pretty, I wished I could have stayed to explore the surrounding area.

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After Tillamook we headed down Hwy 6, another windy and scenic drive.  I was starving by that point and many of the middle of nowhere diners were closed.  We ended up stopping in Banks, and I grabbed a grilled cheese from the Banks Diner, which turned out to be very good, best french fries I have ever had.

H’s grandparents W and M were very happy to see us (mostly H) when we got back.  We had a good trip and I felt so thankful for the beauty of Oregon and the time I was able to spend with my son.

I signed up for a $30 for 30 day pass at Escape to Yoga in Sherwood.  It’s a bit hard to find any studios out where we live, but had a friend who teaches there recommend this place.  It was my first yoga class in 2015, the teacher summed up my fears nicely as she opened the class, she said, “some of you coming back to yoga after a long break will be feeling nervous.”  Hell to the yeah I was feeling nervous, it didn’t matter how long I had practiced in the past, the time spent away during my pregnancy and raising little H was a LONG GAP.  I am so ready to get back into it.

And it was good.  Of course it was good, it’s yoga, yoga is the center of rich goodness.  As I moved through the poses, my mind breathed to me just one word: “Space.”  Space is what I have been lacking in all my going, going, going.  There has been no space.  No hands.  No down time.  Doing only four things at once.  God it felt so good, this first yoga class in the new year.  I was sore as I knew I would be.  I modified, and was proud that I allowed myself to, instead of trying to do each pose to the max and perfectly.  I went the next day as well.  I felt so strong the day after that.  I love how yoga makes you feel so strong.  I remembered huffing and puffing going up the stairs, 9 and 1/2 months pregnant as I seemed to jump up them in a single bound.

I’m excited for this month of yoga and what comes after.  The yoga teacher training I’ve been interested in has been moved back a month (April & May) which gives me an extra month to plot.  I keep praying that the doors open.  The strong voice inside of me keeps encouraging to trust and believe.

WALKING AGAINST THE WIND AND DROPPING THINGS

I love that saying, “Walking against the wind,” because it so righteously depicts that feeling that the whole world is out to get me.  I know you’ve felt it too.  I drop my keys, I hit my head against the car door when I reach to pick them up, I spill coffee on my WHITE shirt when I shamble into the car seat, I scrape the side of my car as I back out.  It can go on and on.  Or at least I used to think it did.  I used to rant, I used to rave, I didn’t get it.  I still don’t fully.

I don’t get it but I do/think about things differently today.  I drop stuff and then I pick it up.  I bump and collide and keep going without hardly thinking about it.  I find myself walking against the wind ANYWAYS.  I walk stronger.  When there’s no wind I sail.  Before it stopped me.  Sometimes it still does.  But now I keep. on. going.  Fuck the wind.

I was thinking on it as I walked down a hiking trail, my son strapped to my chest.  Smooth sailing one direction, the road got muddy in front of us so I turned and, ouch.  The wind cut deep.  I was thinking about my future on this walk.  My son fell asleep.  I was thinking about leaving my job and doing yoga teacher training.  I thought about it.  I talked about it.  I had the resources to do it.  But would I?

A bombardment of worries filled me.  How would we eat?  That was a big one, a constant, never ending ghoul hanging onto my shoulders.  I had been poor before and very recently, but never with another soul I had to take care of.  I promised myself he would never have to feel the way I had felt, how did teaching yoga waylay those fears?

I kept walking.  He slept.  I prayed.  I didn’t want to go to a job I didn’t like anymore.  I wanted my son to watch his mom be happy in the career path she chose.  Was that even possible?  I still don’t know.  Today my boss asked me if I could work only four days a week, which strangely will help me save money because I won’t have to pay for day care.  The promise of that one day off gave me wings.  What more is to come here?

A good friend (a great friend) told me to do the next indicated step on this yoga thing.  I will show up to my job, I will do the next indicated step, and I will continue walking against the wind.

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