I love that saying, “Walking against the wind,” because it so righteously depicts that feeling that the whole world is out to get me. I know you’ve felt it too. I drop my keys, I hit my head against the car door when I reach to pick them up, I spill coffee on my WHITE shirt when I shamble into the car seat, I scrape the side of my car as I back out. It can go on and on. Or at least I used to think it did. I used to rant, I used to rave, I didn’t get it. I still don’t fully.
I don’t get it but I do/think about things differently today. I drop stuff and then I pick it up. I bump and collide and keep going without hardly thinking about it. I find myself walking against the wind ANYWAYS. I walk stronger. When there’s no wind I sail. Before it stopped me. Sometimes it still does. But now I keep. on. going. Fuck the wind.
I was thinking on it as I walked down a hiking trail, my son strapped to my chest. Smooth sailing one direction, the road got muddy in front of us so I turned and, ouch. The wind cut deep. I was thinking about my future on this walk. My son fell asleep. I was thinking about leaving my job and doing yoga teacher training. I thought about it. I talked about it. I had the resources to do it. But would I?
A bombardment of worries filled me. How would we eat? That was a big one, a constant, never ending ghoul hanging onto my shoulders. I had been poor before and very recently, but never with another soul I had to take care of. I promised myself he would never have to feel the way I had felt, how did teaching yoga waylay those fears?
I kept walking. He slept. I prayed. I didn’t want to go to a job I didn’t like anymore. I wanted my son to watch his mom be happy in the career path she chose. Was that even possible? I still don’t know. Today my boss asked me if I could work only four days a week, which strangely will help me save money because I won’t have to pay for day care. The promise of that one day off gave me wings. What more is to come here?
A good friend (a great friend) told me to do the next indicated step on this yoga thing. I will show up to my job, I will do the next indicated step, and I will continue walking against the wind.