WALKING AGAINST THE WIND AND DROPPING THINGS

I love that saying, “Walking against the wind,” because it so righteously depicts that feeling that the whole world is out to get me.  I know you’ve felt it too.  I drop my keys, I hit my head against the car door when I reach to pick them up, I spill coffee on my WHITE shirt when I shamble into the car seat, I scrape the side of my car as I back out.  It can go on and on.  Or at least I used to think it did.  I used to rant, I used to rave, I didn’t get it.  I still don’t fully.

I don’t get it but I do/think about things differently today.  I drop stuff and then I pick it up.  I bump and collide and keep going without hardly thinking about it.  I find myself walking against the wind ANYWAYS.  I walk stronger.  When there’s no wind I sail.  Before it stopped me.  Sometimes it still does.  But now I keep. on. going.  Fuck the wind.

I was thinking on it as I walked down a hiking trail, my son strapped to my chest.  Smooth sailing one direction, the road got muddy in front of us so I turned and, ouch.  The wind cut deep.  I was thinking about my future on this walk.  My son fell asleep.  I was thinking about leaving my job and doing yoga teacher training.  I thought about it.  I talked about it.  I had the resources to do it.  But would I?

A bombardment of worries filled me.  How would we eat?  That was a big one, a constant, never ending ghoul hanging onto my shoulders.  I had been poor before and very recently, but never with another soul I had to take care of.  I promised myself he would never have to feel the way I had felt, how did teaching yoga waylay those fears?

I kept walking.  He slept.  I prayed.  I didn’t want to go to a job I didn’t like anymore.  I wanted my son to watch his mom be happy in the career path she chose.  Was that even possible?  I still don’t know.  Today my boss asked me if I could work only four days a week, which strangely will help me save money because I won’t have to pay for day care.  The promise of that one day off gave me wings.  What more is to come here?

A good friend (a great friend) told me to do the next indicated step on this yoga thing.  I will show up to my job, I will do the next indicated step, and I will continue walking against the wind.

H 008 H 009 H 011 H 014 H 015 H 010

%d bloggers like this: